那些年和事

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 15 years. I had my first HIV testing soon after he told me about him having been infected from unsafe sexual practices with strangers over the past months. I am glad that I am not infected by him. Somehow, I have lost trust in him, for not being a responsible partner, as he did not try to protect me by practicing safe sex outside of our relationship. However, as he is just as close to me as any of my other family members, and I would never want to abandon him while he suffers in his later life. Should I leave or stay? Now, I am faced with more uncertainties in life and the hardest choices to make.

從學校裡學到的印象，HIV的成因是濫交和吸毒，所以我從來都沒想過HIV這問題，做member做了4年，從來不煙不酒不藥不炮，但偏偏就感染了HIV。

初初知道自己感染，情緒跌到低點，好像是一生人該沒有比這更糟的事了。明明我只有和自己的男朋友做愛，並沒有過其他的性伴侶，為何偏偏就是我？為何男朋友會傳染我？他不愛我嗎？會不會有可能是變種而來，並不是由他傳給我的？心裡面除了胡思亂想就是胡思亂想。

現在經過一些時間，有幫我驗血的人陪我走過最艱難的時刻，我想跟香港的其他人說：「別再信什麼濫交造成愛滋，不用安全套才是，選擇錯了，就有風險，你們都可以選擇跟我不一樣的結果。」

身邊的朋友有吸毒人士，見多了也習慣，因為不清楚毒品的害處，日子久了我也嘗試吸毒。過了一段日子始知自己有毒癮，發作時很辛苦，但沒有決心去戒毒。後來身體開始轉差，很難找得到工作，便嘗試去戒毒中心戒毒。

知道感染AIDS的時候，已經去到要服藥的階段，接受藥物治療後，現在健康很好，可以思考人生方向，除了工作，我會拍拖、結婚，也會告訴結婚對象我有這病，如果對方接納，我相信我們可幸福生活在一起。

作為一位感染人士，當初被告知感染HIV，對我來說很震驚，因為從不知道HIV的感染途徑，更難想像自己會受感染，其實死亡並不可怕，害怕的是不能告訴家人，自己要孤獨面對這個陌生的病，已經忘記甚麼時候才有勇氣告訴你我患病，感恩你的支持，你聆聽我的困擾，對我是最有效的治療，沒有你我不能面對生活上的困境和難處。人生的路途上有順境和逆境，逆境時當作休憩處，有能量後再前行，這是人生的意義。

When I was informed about my newly acquired status as a HIV-positive person during a regular checkup, I immediately burst into tears. When I was crying in the medical center, I then asked myself, what was I actually crying for? I could not give myself a convincing answer, because I had nothing to fear. Because death was still too far away. But crying was the only logical reaction that should be given by people like me, who have just been sentenced into this identity of eternal death.